I’m an American/Canadian dual-citizen so I’m charging myself 25% more now, but also 25% again in retaliation against myself. Your move, Jesse.
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.