I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
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Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’m awake but I object,
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
nature’s most graceful animal
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
🙂🙃🥹
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways