I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
You Might Also Like
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
White Castle for the Win
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much