I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
You Might Also Like
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.