I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
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They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.