I’m an avid indoorsman.
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Practicing safe sax
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.