I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Aw man, but that’s the best part
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises