I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw