i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
yeet
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it