I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”