I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*offers Batman cough drops*
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.