Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Why would you ask me for directions?

You just saw me walk into a closed door.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

I know

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on