I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
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the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets