I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot