I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Harsh but fair
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.