I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
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Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Phones down.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.