I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
You Might Also Like
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Not today.. 😂
Hmm, not sure about this change
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?