@MedusaOusa

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

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@TheToddWilliams

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

@BuckyIsotope

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

@EmaSlema

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

@shivillex

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

@faizziy

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

@stanleybehrman

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

@pplwtching

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

@WilliamAder

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.