I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
welcome back
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic