I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
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[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
are they though??
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.