I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Respect
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.