I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Am I having a stroke?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife