I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
A short story of betrayal:
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers