I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.