I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
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if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
how long have you had this for?
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.