@deloisivete 6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
@Ideal_Victoria I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
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@deloisivete 
@schumoo Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
@redherringbear When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
@daddygofish My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
@Reel2Dialog2 I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
@MindyFurano Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
@Gupton68 [ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
@DadandBuried My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
@Rollmaninoz I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.