I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

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6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’


Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.


My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.


[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.


Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress



Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent


My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.


I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.