@Ideal_Victoria

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

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@deloisivete

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

@schumoo

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

@daddygofish

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

@MindyFurano

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

@Gupton68

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@Rollmaninoz

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.