I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Morning my dudes.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant