I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes