I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
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If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…