I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Optional boss fight.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower