I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…