I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?