I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
You Might Also Like
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard