I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
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(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I’d use my best pan on you.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Saturday