I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices