@Ideal_Victoria

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

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@geowizzacist

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

@DBMaxP

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

@AndyRichter

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

@Contwixt

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

@CulturedRuffian

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

@CrockettForReal

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

@KateWhineHall

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

@KyleMcDowell86

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.