I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

You Might Also Like


*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*


According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt


After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers


“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”



You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.


If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.


They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul


To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.


I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?


ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.