I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
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Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.