I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro