I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
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Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.