I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
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I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.