Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

Rather alarming headline…

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

“our sushi is very fresh”

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.