I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
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MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Why soy sad?
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.