I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Thinking about Jeff
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive