I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me