I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
the #horror is real!
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.