I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
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Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Who does Amazon think I am?
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*