@Brianhopecomedy

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

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@BuckyIsotope

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

@EliTerry

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@ThatBrenna

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

@andrewmpearce

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@SavageDabs69

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@hunbothered

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving