I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.