I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
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“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Very good! 👍😂
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil