I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.