I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair