Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free