I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
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When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..