i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh