@MythicPicnic

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

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@noog

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

@DammitErin

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

@Gupton68

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

@BradleyWhitford

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

@noog

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

@panmidwest

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

@yung__spider

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

@weinerdog4life

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away