I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food